Stress

I know I joke a lot about the kids being aliens and the silly crap at work, deer "hunting" with my car but this post isn't any of that. The stress of the last several months has gotten to me. This isn't a pity-me post or anything of the sort. It's a place to vent which is why this blog was begun - a place for me to say whatever was on my mind, happy or sad, silly or serious. If no one likes what I have to say in any of my posts, they can move on & not return to my blog, my feelings won't be hurt, it's their choice. Just as it is my choice to let forth tonight with some serious venting.

In the Fall of 2002, with the help of the police, my children and I were rescued from our home. My husband had been terrorizing us non-stop for almost 24 hours before I was able to get a safe moment to call 911 for help. I almost didn't live until the police arrived. I find child porn on my computer and turn my soon-to-be-ex into the police for it. ( A year and a half later, I have to fight to get my PC out of the evidence lock-up. They never even looked at it. The police said I was just trying to "get even" with him.)

Three months later, I moved out of my parents home where we had been staying since our rescue and I started a full-time job. Life was looking up. I was having some trouble with the boys but nothing serious and was trying to get counseling for all of us after the abuse I had suffered at the hands of my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I managed to get weekly counseling sessions with a pastor who had his degree in family counseling - I thought this would be perfect. He turned out to not understand anything about domestic violence and within 6 months, I fired him.

My job turned sour, the kids got a little worse. My divorce became final it was now one year later, Fall 2003. We had been attending a support group at our church and it was helping us heal, slowly, but we were on the mend.

The local domestic violence advocates became a rather attractive alternative for help. Again, it didn't take long for things to go sour there. The children's counselor basically blamed me for my ex-husbands' abuse of the children and myself. That brought that "counseling" to a screaming halt. She had managed to undo everything my church group had accomplished. And work was getting worse by the second.

By March of 2004 I had quit my job because of the total disregard for regulations regarding the safety of the children there and the licensing agency's lack of interest in the violations. Add to that the owner/director had a horrible temper, drank on the job, rarely paid us on time, frequently bounced paychecks and was in general an ass.

May rolled around and I still hadn't found a job. I was living off of my income tax refund and a little part time clerical work at a local temp agency. And the children were getting worse with their attitudes.

By early July, I had to quit going to our church group because it cost too much in gas money to drive 45 minutes each way to get there and I still didn't have a job.

Mid-July rolled around and I finally got a job, with a significant pay cut and a 45 minute travel time on the end of each day in a car that sucked gas like it was free. I could barely pay my bills but at least I had a job.

September - kids are not off to a good start in school, already teachers are complaining about missing homework assignments and their attitude at home is really bad. Total lack of respect for me. I'm getting to the point of feeling seriously depressed. Late September brings to light my worst fears, my ex-husband molested both children. I file all the reports, talk with the police and family services people and in all the mess, end up losing four precious days of pay which I could ill-afford to do. My boss is not sympathic to my situation and basically tells me to suck it up and leave my personal problems at home. Thank you for being so understanding you b*tch. So much for working for a Christian organization.

I'm now officially a mess and end up on anti-depressants and the children are getting worse. There is little help out there for single moms with very little cash. I know you're all going to blast me with all the social service agency names in the book that will "help" me. I've been through it all and there is little or no help for me unless I'm willing to take a significant amount of time off of my job to accept their "help". I can't pay the bills on what I earn now, I sure as hell can't pay them working part time folks.

October - my uncle dies
November - trash my car hitting a deer, and the kids are so bad I'm considering foster care at this point.
December - I hit another deer totaling my car the Tuesday before Christmas. Grandma died, we buried her the Sunday before Christmas. The children are getting worse by the second. My employer could only worry about if I was gonna miss any time off so close to the holiday - did I "really need to attend that funeral if it wasn't going to be on the weekend?" Yes folks - I was actually asked that question by my boss. After all, it wasn't like it was my parent, it was only my grandparent. After several months of waiting to find out if the police will arrest my vile ex-husband, the news comes to me - Yes, the Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) investigating the claim believes my children. No, the police will not be doing anything about it.

Now it's January 2005. At a significant cost to me, I did get my car repaired. Christmas was anything but truly joyful for me, it seemed rather hollow this year. The stress and depression are becoming overwhelming to me. My oldest son is becoming more aggressive by the day and my younger one is following in his footsteps.

The finding of guilty by DCFS was supposed to be a victory. They were supposed to not only find counseling for my children and myself, but they're to be paying for it as well. To date, I have been able to make contact with the man that took the report one time. Help was promised "right away"......... three weeks later, nothing. My children do nothing but fight with one another, frequently it becomes physical. I am beyond being able to function as a normal human being. I am seriously void of most emotion. I've gone so far as to having to call the police on my oldest son (age 10) for beating the crap out of his 7 year old brother. They basically did nothing - no blood, no foul. It doesn't seem to matter that at least twice a week I'm pulling kid #1 off of kid #2 and sitting on him until he can calm himself down

And so, here I am. Sad, depressed, alone, frustrated. I am at the point I don't want to get out of bed in the morning and if I get fired for not coming into work, who cares? I am beyond caring. I have fought so long to get help for my children and I, all to no avail. Don't ask me a thousand and one questions of "have you tried _______ agency?" or "Acme Agency will help anyone" or whatever. I have called, and called, and called. I have knocked on doors, begged, pleaded, yelled, cussed, cried, you name it. Unless I am willing to give up my job, I will not get counseling for us. Period. If I give up my job of my own free will, no social service agency will help me because I "quit". It's a catch 22 - I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. Such is the story of my life. No I don't have family to help - that is another story in itself. If it weren't for the garbage there, I probably wouldn't have gotten into the sorrid mess I'm in now.

Again, I don't want your pity. Pity doesn't help me. I just need to let it all out. I'd like to say I feel better after spewing the garbage that is the real essence of my life but I don't. Yes, I'm a Christian however, faith is a difficult thing to have after a period of time of being beaten down. Not impossible, but in my case, next to impossible.