Thursday, September 30, 2004

Check this out!

I did it! Cool!!! Me, the html-challenged person that I am, figured out how to add a link on my sidebar! And I did it all by myself .......... and you're sitting there saying, "So what's the big deal?" Maybe for you, it's not, for me, well I got to use the colors I wanted for my blog & still got to add the links column I wanted so - NAH! It's still a big deal for me. Now excuse me while I bask in the glory of overcoming one more small (very small) thing.


Well, I've finally had to admit it, I am really depressed. Not just "feeling blue", but the kind of depression they give you medication for. The stress of being a single parent, the financial strain of being unemployed for almost six months without unemployment benefits, my ex-inlaws harassing us almost weekly, a new job that doesn't pay my bills (& I don't like it anyway), my Grandmother is dying slowly, it's all too much to handle when you add the fact that my ex-husband has sexually abused my children and the police aren't doing squat about it. The garbage of the last two years has taken it's toll. I was such a mess I had to leave work early on Wednesday and ticked-off everyone I work with.

I work with a bunch of 20-somethings that have never experienced anything in life. Their lives revolve around doing the least amount of work possible to get their paychecks so they can go out and party with their live-in boyfriends on Friday night and shopping with their friends on Saturday. I shouldn't say they all live with their boyfriends, half of them still live at home with Mommy & Daddy, attend college part-time & work part-time. However, you get the idea. They don't have any idea what life is all about.

To top if all off, the director asked me today about justifying paying three teachers in our classroom of 18 children. We have three very distinct groups of children almost equally divided. One group of children is advanced, one group is above average, and one group is seriously lacking in basic skills. We usually divide them up and work with them in these groups on basic skills (writing their names, etc.) I told her I really felt that we needed all three teachers to offer the children the best we could offer them. I am the ONLY full time teacher in the room so I don't seriously think that my job is on the line but I'm concerned. So even though I really dislike this job, I'm out there looking for a new job & toying with the idea of going back to college full-time myself, I'm still concerned that I will be squeezed out for someone younger with fewer "issues". I want to leave on my terms.

Monday, September 27, 2004

When will I know something???

It's been about a week since I've talked with the police and child services. No one has contacted me again. I've left messages.......... no response. I've called over 20 different places trying to get counseling for my children & myself for this whole mess. How many have returned my call? Three. I can't believe it, three. What's the problem?

I now know that the reason messed-up people stay messed up is because the system is against them. You always hear the comments "there's help out there if you really want it............blah, blah, blah........" and my reply is bologna! I have been trying for a week and a half to find someone, anyone who will counsel my family........ all to no avail. And as for the discounted services for those of us who qualify........ they don't exist. You are told they do exist but the counselors aren't trained very well and the turnover rate is more like a revolving door.......... Then there's the waiting list......... my kids need help yesterday!!!

At least there is our church support group, the people there are at least a comfort to us. Thank God for them.

Another lesson from my children....

It's been awhile since I've posted any of the "Lessons of Motherhood" also know as "How children give parents grey hair". So, here's another one!

A ball point pen will fit down the throat of a six year old child far enough to puncture a tonsil.

I don't know which child thought this was a good idea first but they eventually both agreed to try it.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

What next?

Now the VCR is busted. Yes, I'm the last person left on the planet that doesn't own a DVD player. (What do I know? I never thought CD's would replace records!)

Of course is it an old movie of ours stuck in there? Heck NO! It's a rental from the video store that is gonna cost me an arm and a leg to replace. I wonder if I can get the VCR pried open & still get the tape out in one piece? We'll see I guess.........

Mommy!!!! The hampster!!!!!!!!!

I no sooner publish the last post than Cuddlles (MIA since Tues night) is still missing and I hear the scream from my 7-year-old (prone to telling fairy tales) that the hairy little beast has run under the sofa.

So, son #1 grabs a glass from the kitchen while I heft the sofa away from the wall only to find enough candy wrappers and paper scraps to fill a 30 gallon garbage bag. No hampster to be seen, then again, it could be hiding under all the rubbish under there and in fact, may have started her own little community including a general store (there's enough crap back there to feed a small hampster army!).

After moving the sofa out a little more, there she is! I managed to scoop her up in the glass & deposit her back into the cage with her new roomie, Bubbles. They are instant enemies. Great. A few minutes of hissing and posturing on both their parts and they seem to be ready to accept that they now share a home, like it or not.

Now I have two hairy little poopers to clean up after.

Life in my jammies..........

I'm still sick. I've coughed so much my chest hurts to breathe. My sinuses feel like they're plugged with half-dry cement. My kids are fighting. Cuddles is still missing. The cat is hiding because the kids are yelling too much. I've spent the last three days in my old t-shirt and jammie pants. It's a beautiful day outside and I feel like poop.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Geez .... Here we go again........

The crap with the police, been sick, boss is pissed because I've missed a couple of days over all this, kids have been sick, Cuddles makes a jail-break............. I'm tired. I worked the last two days while running a fever of 101 degrees. I feel horrible.

My son did get his Native American dwelling project done on time, he made a reed house with a little help from Mom (on the hot glue gun, I have the burns to prove it). Last night he's all excited about the project being handed in today. We get up this morning, I shower, dress & when I come out to make breakfast..... There he is sitting on the floor next to the hampster cage (still empty) with this forlorn look on his face. I wanted to cry.

So.... I pick the kids up from the sitters after work to find he's gotten his instrument from school, a trumpet, and is already able to toot out a few notes. However, he's still missing Cuddles. So, what the heck do I do? Drive 45 minutes to the nearest decent pet store to purchase Bubbles for the boys. Where do they get these names?

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Cuddles is MIA..........

Great, I'm taking a shower, hear my son scream "Cuddles is missing!!!" In case you missed the previous post, Cuddles would be the new hamster (aka the evil killing machine). The cage door didn't get latched tight & she made a jail break under the cover of darkness. The kids saw her behind the garbage can but before I could get out of the shower & dressed, they lost her into a crack under the cupboard. I hope Holly (the cat) doesn't find her before we do.......... that could get ugly.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Forensic Investigators & Child Services

Well, this just gets uglier by the minute. I had to pull my children out of school today to take them back to the town (an hour away) where we used to live to talk with the forensic investigators about the abuse. An investigator from Child Protective Services was supposed to be there to see it but didn't show up. Figures.

Thankfully the center where the kids go for this is made especially for them and they were very friendly to the boys. The kids were quite comfortable. I was fine until the detective that is handling the case came out to speak with me. He took me back in a room, shut the door and basically told me the kids had been abused, no doubt about it. However, if their abuser doesn't admit to it (like that's gonna happen!!!) when the police speak to him, no arrest will be made. The detective agrees that they were abused but told me ".... it wasn't bad enough yet." WHAT??? What do you mean it wasn't bad enough? Are you telling me that in the great state of Illinois that you can allow a certain amount abuse because it's not bad enough? I'm in shock. The detective said if we can find another victim, it would help........ but they're not going to bother the families of the other seven children I listed as possible victims. It might make the accused - get this one - "look bad". Are you kidding me? What planet are we living on?

So basically, if the accused will admit to the abuse he inflicted upon my children or will reveal the names of other victims.......... we're good to go. I can't believe this.

Friday, September 17, 2004

Police Report

The police report has been filed against the person who harmed my children. It was awful having to recount to the police the things my children told me. There was no place to sit down so for over an hour, while I made the report, I had to stand there......... I felt like I could collapse at any moment from the stress of it all. I'm not one to easily faint but I was close to an emotional and physical collapse the entire time. Did the officer care? I doubt it. Was I offered a moment to collect myself? Of course not. Was I given any sympathy for what I was going through? You've got to be kidding! No support services were offered, nothing other than "ok, well let you know when/if we need to talk with you or the children further." That's it. No words of encouragement or support.

Why would I think I would get anything less than a cold stare from law enforcement officials when I didn't get any support of any kind from my family. They think I should just leave it alone, get counseling for the children and myself and leave the individual responsible for this horrible mess alone. I should just "leave it be and get on with life". I was actually told by a family member that I need to "get over it". My child tells me that they've been abused and I'm supposed to just ignore it? I don't think so.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

There's Hell to pay

As a preschool teacher, I've had to report child abuse of the worst kind (sexual abuse), neglect, etc. several times. It's never easy but it is my duty and I am not only bound morally to do so but legally as well. As difficult as it is to make a report, talk with authorities and pray they get child to a safer environment, it's infinitely more difficult when it hits closer to home and it's your own child that someone else has abused. Should anyone read this........ please pray that my child's abuser comes to justice. I know that if the abuser doesn't come to justice in this life..... there's always the next life. The abuser had better repent or pay the price. There will be a special place in hell for you (you know who you are and so does God).

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

An evil killing machine lives in my kitchen......

We come home from work/school today, tired and hungry, it's 7 pm and no one has even started homework or dinner. I drop my bags, head in to change & pin up my hair. When I come out, my son (age 10) states we have "an evil killing machine" on our kitchen table. AKA: Cuddles the hampster.

He stuck his hand in the cage and tried to pick up the hampster from a sound sleep (NOT advisable) and it bit the tar out of him. Maybe next time he'll listen to Mommy and wait until the hampster is awake before picking the thing up and scaring the crap out of it........ On second thought, I doubt it.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Praying Mantis

I should've been born a praying mantis.......... do you know what the female does right after mating? You're already online - go look it up. Being blown-off on your birthday doesn't really make the opposite sex very appealing anymore.

Saturday, September 11, 2004


Sunday lunch has gone from bad to worse............ I didn't think that was possible. Mom just called and wants us to meet them at the Old Country Buffet (Yuck) at 11:00 am because they switch over to lunch at 11:30 and that way Dad can get the breakfast crap he wants (that's been sitting in the warmer since 6 am). How did my life get so screwed up? And when did it get so damn boring that I'm having birthday brunch at an old farts buffet instead of a candlelit dinner with Mr. Wonderful? Oh, wait........ forgot that Mr. Wonderful is already taken. The story of my life. Now you see why I titled it "crap".

My butt is stuck!!!!!!!

This is the scream I heard from my kids' bedroom just now. I go in the room to find my son is stuck in the ladder to the bunk beds - All I can do is laugh & think of the original Winnie the Pooh show when Pooh eats too much honey and gets stuck trying to get out of Rabbit's house through a hole which he is now too small to exit. So..... he must stay there until he just gets thin.

My son.......he's fine and is still stuck. He's laughing and yelling............... his brother (age 7) thinks using a screwdriver and a pair of pliers, he can manage to free his older sibling. This is too funny! What am I doing? Trying not to pee my pants because I'm laughing so hard!

September 11 - What I was doing.........

Remember all those who died trying to save the lives of others, on September 11th and everyday.

Sitting at the receptionist desk of the nursing home where I worked, the phonecalls hadn't started to roll in yet for the day (usually about150 - 200 calls per hour all day long was the average). My mom worked in administration at the same place.

She came into work about 10 minutes after I did and said "A plane crashed into one of the World Trade Center towers, Dad just called me & told me. They don't know what happened......... they're afraid a lot of people are going to be lost in this accident." She no more than finished that sentence when a call came through........ it was Dad. The other plane had hit the second tower and flames were everywhere, "Tell Mom it's not an accident - someone did this on purpose."

From that point on, radios were being pulled from every corner & every available TV was tuned into CNN or some local news channel. The horror didn't stop with just those two acts as we all now know. Many of my co-workers had family in Chicago (aboutr 2 hrs East of us) and since no one knew if any other big cities were to be targeted, everyone paniced. They shut down the entire LOOP in Chicago, or at least tried. One woman couldn't contact her daughter (soon to be married) in Chicago.......... trouble with the local phone company prevented a call from going to her home phone (not associated with the terriost attacks we later found out) and no ones cell numbers seemed to be working for some reason they never understood. It was noon the following day Sept. 12th before she heard from her daughter...... she was fine of course, Chicago was not a target.

September 12th............. a young nurse just returing from her very short honeymoon a week prior to the attacks brought in the film from her honeymoon out East............ it was chilling. She and her new husband were on the deck of the ferry boat going out to Ellis Island to see Lady Liberty ........ smiling as the wind blew their hair into a fury. Standing majestically in the background......... the World Trade Center towers.

I recently found pictures of a trip I took to the great city of New York when I was about 16 years old. My sister are standing on the deck of the ferry boat with a friend smiling that silly smile two kids from the midwest have when they think they're taking a big city like NY by storm. Again, in the background stand the towers. My 10 year old son asks, "Mommy, what are those two big buildings in the background?" I answer him and his face becomes very solomn. He is old enough to understand the devestation it caused.

My birthday being Sept. 12th, I still went out for dinner with my family the next night to celebrate. Many called me cold and heartless for not caring about those injured and dead in the mess out East. I saw it a different way........ their purpose was to make America cower, hide, and stop us dead in our tracks. I was not going to let an international group of bullies stop my life. Period.

That's where I was.

Friday, September 10, 2004

I have no life.......

Here it is........ Friday night again. Again I sit here on this stupid pc because the rest of the world has a social life & I don't. It sucks. What's on tap for the rest of this hoppin' birthday weekend for me? Jack squat. Nothin'. Nada. Zero. Zilch.

My parents wanted to take the boys and me out for lunch this Sunday to celebrate - I said great! I wrongly assumed I would get to pick where we ate since it is my birthday we are celebrating. Too late, I'd already agreed & Mom announced we'd be eating at Old Country Buffet. Whoopie. I'm so excited I could just s**t.

So now I get to stand in line with 250 people of the 55 & over crowd to serve myself a plate of poorly warmed food poisoning. I HATE buffet's - I end up with food poisoning every darn time. Mom knows it. Dad knows it. Heck - my kids know it!! So, I either cancel plans with them & piss them off OR I go eat with them, get sick, tell them why I'm sick & piss them off for not telling them (for only the 4,863rd time) that I get food poisoning from every buffet I eat at. It's a lose/lose situation. The alternative is to go, not eat anything except hot soup (usually safe but not always) and piss them off for not eating a "real meal" after they paid for it.

Then there's the problem of sitting with them and actually having a conversation. My parents are the "Children should be seen & not heard" kind of people. When we were children and went out to eat, adults had conversation, the children were to shut up and eat. Period. I refuse to do that to my kids. Yes, they need to allow the adults to converse however, if they have something they would like to talk about, I think it affords a great opportunity for them to practice their social skills and I'll discuss things with them like I normally would at a family dinner at home. My parents can't stand it. They look like they're gonna explode most of the meal.

And there's the problem of my children's manners............... they don't have manners good enough to dine with the Queen Mother therefore, they eat like animals. They cover their mouths to cough. They chew with their mouths closed. They say "please" and "thank you". What the heck more do you want out of two kids under the age of 10?

By the time this meal is done I'll be ready for a semi-load of Haggen-Daas, chocolate of course.

Be A Star!

Yes folks, now you too can have your own star on the Hollywood walk of fame!

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Boobs, Boobs, Boobs.............who cares?????

O.K. - I know, another post today........ like I have nothing better to do........... Oh, wait, that's right - I don't have anything better to do! I have no life, work & kids..........And here I thought I was going to be scarcastic!

So what about the boobs thing? I am sooooooooo sick of the girls at work (can't call them women when I'm old enough to have given birth to most of them!) sitting around talking about boobs when we're outside supervising the kids play time. They're all so proud of their big boobs well ladies -

****NEWSFLASH****......... Dateline Illinois........... This just in........... It has been reported by doctors and dieters alike.......... when you get big boobs from getting fat....... you will loose the boobs when you loose the weight.......... and now we return you to the blog already in progress.

I hate to quote my kids but.......... DUH! You complain you had a small chest when you were thin but now that you're heftin' around an extra 50lbs you've got huge hooters.......... and you think you're gonna look great when you lose all that weight with big boobs. It ain't happenin' girls! The fat goes, the boobs go with it. Welcome to the real world - you want those babies back for your sweetie you're gonna have to go silicone or get fat again. I know - been there, done that. Welcome to the real world kiddies.

Prision Pete

As I updated my blog, I came across this blog. It was very interesting and I think it gives tremendous insight into a world that many of us (hopefully) will never know. I do believe this to be on the level, not someone's creative writing published via the great WWW (invented by Al Gore you know!).

No News...... Good or Bad?

Well, I should've heard by now about the job interview ......... alas, nothing. It sucks. I had a rotten day (won't go into details) and was hoping to hear that I got the job, but nothing. I still think that going back to college may be the ticket for me.......... I may have mentioned it before in my blog and maybe not. And who cares if I did or not, because there's only a couple of friends that read this thing anyway.......

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

I yelled at God today..........

Yes, I did it, I yelled at God today. I was without a job for over five months and all I asked for was a job that would pay the bills and support my family so we didn't have to scrape every penny together just to pay rent each month. I thought I got that when I got my new job last July. WRONG! Gas prices stayed high, price of the babysitter went up, there's a freeze on pay increases at work until after then end of the fiscal year (in April!!) so I don't get my pay increase at my 60 day review. I was angry that I was working my self to death and still couldn't even pay my bills so I got mad and yelled at God. He heard me.

I left work early to get my son's band book picked up at the school so we could still make it to our church group tonight on time. As we're driving to church (an hour away) I hear my cell phone beeping at me. I thought the battery was going low again so I picked it up to plug the phone in so it could charge and realized I had a voice mail message. So, I call. A school district I had interviewed with two times over the summer called me and I have an interview set up for 8:00 a.m. tomorrow. I'd have benefits, better pay, shorter drive, kids will be at the babysitters less after school and that means I pay her less ........ soooooooo.......... all around it's a better deal. I doubt anyone will read this but if you do........ please say a quick prayer for me around 8:00 a.m. tomorrow morning (central time that is! hehehe)

Sunday, September 05, 2004

What the????????

Slogan generator? This is too much..........


ok......posted my short & not so sweet rantings about the cost of my kids stuff for school & was crusing through the recently updated blogs & found this one: Another soul looking for love.......... guess I'm not alone in this quest. Where are all the decent men? Plently of perverts and money grubbers, low life bums and sweet-talkers that turn nasty once they have you in their grips........... where are the nice guys? I don't want a truckload of them, just that asking too much???? And speaking of asking too much........ is it too much to ask for a job that at least pays the bills after working your butt off for 60+ hrs a week ( only getting paid for 40 of them of course!)? Why is it the most precious resources we have is our children and those who get paid to teach them and care for them get paid less than 17 year old a night-shift manager at McDonald's?? Just a bit jaded I guess............. my life has been a bit rough lately and my faith has been a little shaky of late. No support from friends and family hasnt' helped much.... sometimes wonder why I bother with any of it.

Back to school.......

Aaahhhhhhh........... back to school, FINALLY! The kids are back to school and the district is sucking money out of my pocket faster than I can earn it! Band instrument rental, music books, field trips (already!!), schoolastic book orders, school pictures, and the list goes on. Oh, by the way, their first day back was August 25th - I can't believe all the stuff you've got to pay for after you fork out the several hundren bucks for school supplies & clothes! Then multiply that by two kids - where's Mr. Rich & available when you need him????